It happened to me!!!

Today I had wat I would consider a dream come true for women everywhere. 

I woke up and started my routine for getting dressed for work. I actually incorporated lotion into the routine today - that was awesome...mainly because cold and dry doesn't mix.

Anyway - as I daydreamed about what I was going to wear today I didn't think about any of my fashion favorites. Not because I don't love them but because I didn't want to repeat or remix. So I dove into the world of my closet mentally and decided what I wanted to wear. The combo was one that I hadn't done in yrs...primarily because the clothes didn't fit. But today it was in my mind and I wanted to wear it...

I pulled the pieces out, ironed them and out them on and IT FIT!!! The whole outfit and I'm Happy.

When crazy attacks...

I imagine that when I turn 30 that I will wake up, content with where I am in life and realize that nothing changed from the day before when I was 29.  I am not day dreaming about the meltdown that might come b/c I haven't reached my fitness goals as well as I wanted, or because I won't be married and won't have kids. I hope to be dating my future husband but I'll leave that up to God and Janaan.

I'm watching one of my reality tv favs: what not to wear, when I realized that I'm no different then the lady on the show. Sure she is well over 30 and has had 2 kids - neither of which fit me but so similar in that I have a fear of what my body has become. 

The reality is that at 29 I realized that even with all my confidence and self-esteem I don't want to be the fat girl at my own wedding and I don't want to waddle before I'm showing with the twins/triplets. 

So I'll press on to better health and thanks to Lady O, I'm on the way.

Captains Log

Day:unknown
Time: midday
Weather: foggy with an overcast
Condition: sickness gone, 3 weeks gymless and pmsing.

Today I read that you should be proud of every success because weight loss does not happen without effort. So I guess I'm proud that I have lost inches/body even if my weight hasn't changed. 

I have to start training for a 5k in December. I'm not ready for it but I have a few weeks to "train" - more important I have to start training for a half marathon in 2012. I'm running with a new co-worker at my new job - we will call her Lady O. As she put it...to be fair we are starting with two miles (outside). She is excited - I'm dreading it. I hope she doesn't quit on me but more important - I hope I don't quit on me. 

I don't know how I convinced myself that I should run as a hobby.

Til death do you part...

In sickness and in health, for better or worse, for richer or poorer... Through any and everything right? WRONG!

I will not, I simply refuse to deal with certain things. And that is why I will not marry myself - independent of my valid hestitations to commitment. Now - I am totally ready and willing to commit to a mate. That special someone to rub my scalp when I'm tired, mess up my favorite shirt by doing laundry when I'm sick and expect me to be superwoman all the time; him... I'm ready for. Me...ehhh - not so much.

Why you ask?
Because sickness is only okay when you don't have to feel it. After a few days of unknown illness causing painful convulsions, cramps and cries I'm skinnier but it totally was not worth it.

Fat is only okay when it doesn't jiggle without command. My side stomachs are only sexy to me. He (whoever he is) will love them but really he won't notice them short of my other attributes.

Lazy is only okay on rainy saturdays when the house is clean. And apparently I haven't cleaned it, the maid didn't come and we are in a drought. Not to mention that I don't recall a saturday rain since August.

I promise to workout in mild sickness and health, only for better unless worse is something bad, I will hire a trainer when I'm richer and eat less if poorer - or until I feel like death. Then all bets are off.

Trick or Treat...

Smell my feet...keep that crap away from me! Uhh wait, that's not how it goes. But that's what I should have tattooed on my forehead. Halloween - the beginning of holidays that support obesity. No one ever gives out sugar free candy just like no one serves garden salad at thanksgiving. But they always make sure you have enough to take with you. Why can't I leave this gluttony here? I don't need any help finding bad things to eat.

It's been three weeks at the new job. I took a week off from working out to ensure that I put a good foot forward - It hurt when I went back to the gym. I could feel it in every sprint, crunch, pushup and squat. I even joined the gym - the first time in my life for that. Now if I stopped traveling I could fit in more than 2 workouts a week.

I refuse to go into 30 obese and CeCe has a bridesmaids dress to fit in April so I'll be back on track soon.

So far I haven't lost anymore weight but I have gone down a size or two. The journey continues.

I Poot on that!

Yep - it finally happened. I should have known it was coming. I was building a rapport with the SWGs (skinny white girls) - I am Mikey and they really like me. Well, they've at least managaed to stop the awkward stare. Some still do the "it's okay fat girl" encouragement but overall, I think they are used to me.
See I am two minorities at my gym - black and fat. The trainers are brown like me but they don't count. Everyone else that consistenly works out at 5:30am MWF is a skinny white girl. There have been a few fat girls show up and a few black girls, they all give me that "we are in this together" look. I sheepishly smile back and then ignore everyone. You might be saying I'm rude but I'm not. Who goes to the gym to make friends? My goal is to keep up with the girl who can sprint a quarter mile with a 20lb medicine ball in 30secs (which takes all my energy) not with the one that's gonna suggest we meet at ihop over pancakes. I can have those with my disillusioned skinny friends that I already know.
I digress... So they like me, know me and even come to expect me to be there. I should have known that it would happen as this has been thee gasiest woman week in a long time. I'm working out - doing one legged box squats (yep, it's as crazy as it sounds) and I poot. It was audible but no smell. I said excuse me, did a quick "did anybody react to that" check and kept working out. Next time, someone should turn the music up before we start working out.

Oh the possibilities...

It's possible to lose weight without exercising. I just can't do it by myself. It's possible to lose weight without making drastic changes to your eating habits. I just haven't been able to do that consistently by myself. It's possible to find the low fat, sugar free, transfat free and/or gluten free of everything. I just don't want to eat taste free food for the sake of eating. It's possible to workout without breaking extreme sweats (low impact). I just haven't done any of that - I think there might be a disconnect there. It's possible to keep your workout and diet regimen while pmsing and going through your womanly week. I think my body tells me to do it by myself (it hurts). It's possible to lose inches and tone but not lose any weight. I seemed to have masterd this.

It's possible!

Friends...how many of us have them!

Friends...ones we can depend on! *cuts music*

I know my friends and maybe that is because there are only a handful of them. I love them dearly but let me tell you who my friends are not:

1. The scale - I should have known when it tried to make me feel dumb when I had to set it up but now I'm convinced it lies to me. Sometimes it does it to make me feel better, sometimes to make me feel worse but I can't believe that after eating a twix, "chips" and drinking 12oz of wasikoki that I lost weight

2. Most clothing designers - I don't know what committee came together to make the decisions but I would like to state for the record that there are sizes between juniors and plus size that people need. Having large breasts does not mean I have a protruding stomach and want to wear a potato sack. I don't need extra room in the stomach when I buy my pants, I need extra room in the thighs for goodness sake! If I wear an XL in the torso of the shirt why would my armholes be the same size as the person in an XS?!?! Really people - lets think some?!

3. Marketing Professionals - now the good thing here is that I'm generally not affected but am I the only one who realized that 90% of commercials and billboards are about fattening foods? I've yet to see someone advertise that they are decreasing their portion sizes to help fight the urge to over-indulge...

4. Quick weight loss solutions - this is not their fault but really I want to punch them. How am I supposed to stay focused on my new healthy lifestyles if you keep flashing your easy ways for me to get skinnier?!? Hunh?

5. Low self esteem plus size shoppers - anyone who knows me will tell you that the only problem with self esteem I have is that I have too much of it. So maybe I just don't get it... Never have I walked into a store for plus size women (12+) and declared war on other people. So can someone please tell me why no matter where I am or what store I go to why women in these stores seem to cut me with their eyes and become rude or mean to me? I can fit some of the clothes just like you. I'd like not to be ostersized just like you but yet you treat me like I'm a top dollar hoe trying to steal your man. Can't we all just get along?

I'm sure there are others who aren't my friends but I'll let them stay covert for now...But I'm on to you, like a fat kid on a sofa when playing wii.

My...declaration.

My life is...easy. Yep - that's my declaration!

There is no real reason other than lack of discipline to explain why I don't work out consistently. I don't have any kids, my dating life is non-existent, I only work normal business hours, I don't travel extensively (except for leisure), I don't have any injuries prohibiting my ability(thank God), my asthma is fully controlled but yet and still... I don't work out consistently.

By consistenly - I mean it is hard for me to set a schedule that on these 5-6 days during these times, I'm going to the gym. I have "great" excuses when I don't go like spending time with friends and family, over-sleeping, not wanting to wash my hair, it's too cold, I have asthma, etc... But they never soundas good when I say them to others outloud.

In my defense, I sweat in my head so I can't workout, shower and keep going. I have to wash or condition my hair. I can't run when it's too cold YET - I have bad asthma. I'm not just fat b/c I like moes and zaxbys and chips but b/c I've had/have a history of injuries/illnesses that prohibit exercise (lets just say my mom can sell crutches for profit and oxygen is a hot commodity).

I am dedicated to being halfway healthy. I don't over-indulge constantly, I like to play sports, I keep convincing myself I like to run and I go to the doctor. So while I'm not bikini skinny - I don't have any obesity related illnesses and I'd like to keep it that way!

*drops mic... exits stage left*

The kid is back!

And so is about 6lbs of my hard work. I know I haven't kept up with my journey but social life and life transitions took over that.

Quitting my last job was one of the best things I did for my stress levels and mental sanity Quitting my job was one of the worst things I did for my workout routine. Who knew that I'd want to sleep in b/c I had no where to go for a week? Who knew that the first week of my new job wouldn't fit my workout schedule? I mean, in theory I did but who wants to admit self sabotage?

On a more positive note... I made it made to the gym this morning. I even tried to kill myself by putting my stomach band on during the 1hr - 700 calorie burn circuit training. I've also been convinced that I should run a half marathon in 2012 which means on top of working out I need to start back training for running...and that I should join CeCe doing the 17 day diet. Mine is modified but I still feel like I'm being over-zealous again! Awesome!

The C-O-N-spiracy

My body is trying to kill me and apparently, I am acting as an accomplice.  76% of the time I am your average, run of the mill, modern day fool. I am the one who played softball not even 3 months after getting out of a cast when it took 2.5 months to find my fractured ankle; who planned to run a 5k two days after 5 days of partying in Sin City; who drove myself to the doctor in the middle of an asthma attack, oh and I quit my job without having another one in a recession…get the point yet?   Most of the ideas sound really good in my head – really they do, and then I talk to one of my friends and they ask me questions like… “Really? Did you think that was a good idea?” which lets me know that it wasn’t the smartest thing I’d done. That 24% of the time when I’m not a fool – I’m full on GENIUS! It’s crazy, how great I am. Too bad I wasn’t operating in the 24% this morning.

So generally about a week before that beautiful time of the month that solidifies my womanly stance – I start having random cravings and get a migraine. This month – I went to Miami the week before so all symptoms were masked by the contents of my sippy cup and exhaustion from partying too much. Symptoms masked – I came back from Miami and a week and a half of not working out and jumped back into it…on Wednesday and then again on Friday and not to be outdone by vacation; again on Saturday. By Sunday morning, I had lost the almost 7lbs I gained from not working out and going on vacation… not bad at all if I say so myself!

NOTE: the faint at heart should stop reading here…

Sunday began as usual – I woke up early in hopes to not have to rush in getting ready for church but still ended up running late. I’ll blame it on “her” showing up – and I wasn’t completely surprised but definitely not excited. We generally don’t have fun together – but this is the price I pay for the blessing of being able to bear children…right? I make it through church on a prayer and focused on praise… afterwards, I make a bee-line straight to my nearest CVS and eatery for some soup and salt craving. I feel like I’m going down but this is just lethargy like usual…right? Wrong. I get home, prepare to eat and relax because later on I’m going to spend time with my SFAM (sis from another mother).

My body had other plans… by 12:30pm I was in a fetal position on my sofa wondering where my mommy was and cursing Eve for biting the forbidden fruit. By 1pm, I felt like I had been hit by an 18-wheeler and stiletto fairy was doing a two step on my uterus. I managed to pop some pills and was passed out shortly their after. I woke up a couple of hours later – I think the pain pills wore off and mommy called for her normal Sunday check-in – and all I could do was pray and try not to cry. By 7pm hunger struck and I mustered up the strength to go the market because of course I have no food and even worse,  no ginger ale – MISTAKE. Now this is where you would think I would have learned my lesson and tapped out until I felt better right? Wrong again!

Monday is workout day – so I set my alarm clock for 4:45am with my back up 5am alarm. I just gotta – I have to be able to fit a dress for mini-me’s sweet 16 and exercise will make the cramps lighter – or so that’s the lie they told me. I wake up on time with no energy but if I can at least get up (physically just stand up) I can make it. I don’t know how I did it but by 5:16am I was leaving to work on loosing this toddler. It all went downhill from there. I told the trainer – cutie who meets the height, chocolate and employment requirements – that I had cramps…no masking it, no playing it down like my stomach just hurt but I’m sure as he tried to encourage me to rev up my squats that my head did a complete 360 while my eyes were rolling as I spewed the words at him. There goes the chance for that date. Later, while doing crunches, I’m pretty sure I started crying and if you paid me to do a plank for 10 seconds today I would be broke. I made it threw it though – thinking that it should be better now… wrong again. I go home and get ready for work (almost my last day) – only to discover in addition to the pain that I had on Sunday that it now hurts to turn my torso, talk, laugh, walk, blink, thinking about crying and even think about moving… with my last request being to please bury me in one of the dresses with the tags on it because apparently it was to die for!   

Okay – so I’m not really dying but my life hurts so bad L

When keeping a diet goes wrong…

Generally my friends think that I’m over-zealous with 97% of everything I do. I just have one of those “go hard” personalities. Generally my friends are right but not this weekend – this weekend I was normal (in my own way)! Inline with my over-zealousness; I am doing a cleanse to help with weight loss but the more I looked at my plans for the weekend, the more I realized the cleansing diet just was not going to work.

I had a pretty busy schedule – I think I spent time with everyone (in the metro Atlanta) I had been neglecting because of travel and workout in 60hrs… in addition to football, my unwanted side hustle of hairstylist and church.

Day 1: I managed to keep on track on Friday with a last min reminder that shrimp and broccoli met the green veggie and chicken or fish rule but I fell asleep without taking the Friday night pill but it was all in the name of beauty.

Day 2: Then Saturday came… I didn’t eat breakfast because I was trying to do my hair and then I had to get a pedi before I headed to see mommy dearest and CeCe (to do their hair). I stopped for lunch at the chicken place got a grilled chicken sandwich and side salad – almost met the lunch rules minus the bread but I didn’t have breakfast so it was okay…right? Saturday night… well lets say that GB has delicious crab artichoke dip and no – that was not a part of the rules and neither were those 2 glasses of wine.

Day 3: ohhhh Sunday. Even God took a break on the 7^th day right? I jumped out of normal and straight into out of control. Janaan makes EXCELLENT dessert (and she will sell them to you too) – I went to help her and spend some QT with my Tinker and Paco Taco… and let’s just say that 2 cookies (who is really counting), a mini red velvet cake and a lot of other goodness later – diet smiet!  So you would think that I stopped there right? WRONG! I went to cheer on my favorite football team (EAGLES! And yes I say that with pride despite the recent loss) and a salad was not going with me. At tailgate I had some “apple juice” that’s what we will call it… the kind that makes some people more friendly and others more angry. I become more friendly – go figure. Then in the game I had an order of French fries – btw I think the GA Dome might have thee fries that I’ve had in a LONG time; and another adult beverage but of course this time I coupled it with water! EPIC FAIL

Speaking of water – who knows what happened to that gallon a day count – but I’m back on it… tomorrow, I left my big cup at home, oops!

But today, today, today is, is, is a new, new, new day, day day…. And I will be back on track! As long as I don’t pass out from doing too much including staying out because of the game until 12:15ish and up until almost 1am and waking up at 4:45 because I had boot camp at 5:30am this morning….

But I have lost 8lbs since the cleanse started!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My social life is trying to kill me…

My routine for the next month:

Monday: 5:30am bootcamp & walk/jog with CeCe for an hour in the evening

Tuesday: nothing but Shimmy is going to make me run with her in the evenings soon I’m sure

Wednesday: 5:30am bootcamp

Thursday: walk/job with CeCe for an hour in the evening

Friday: nothing but probably going to add the 5:30am bootcamp so I can sleep in on Saturday

Saturday: depends

Sunday: early morning run outside or on the treadmill before church

Not too bad right? That’s the same thing I thought until reality set in that I don’t just workout for a living and the people who I call friends and family like to spend time with me including my nephew and God-daughter who I am afraid won’t recognize my face not to mention their mommy who I talk to but might request id to verify that it is indeed me. I think my mom is going to report me missing because I usually visit her once a week and I haven’t seen that place in a month. My sis from another mother has quit me on several occasions and I can’t blame her but oh I miss the time we spend together (no homo). My BF squared, Sha-sha and I went to lunch a couple of weeks ago but we NEVER just go to lunch so it felt so incomplete but I had to go home and pack.

I’ve been on 3 vacations of at least 3/4 days since June not including numerous weekend trips to North Carolina, South Carolina, and DC. I still have two vacations, a day trip and 2 grand weekends left before October says goodbye. The only problem is that my vacations generally don’t involve any REST.

For instance – my last trip… we went to beautiful Las Vegas for 5 days. I’m sure I might have gotten 12hrs of sleep on the entire trip. Upon return (at 10pm return to Atlanta) – I had one day of rest – AFTER work…and then the next day… a 5k.

Who does this? Why does this skinny, crazy person inside me insist on packing my schedule to include working out but not take into account that there are only 24hrs in a day and I need sleep?!

Did I mention that I’m on 10-day cleanse as well. Yep… as a part of the Movement (losing a toddler) the opportunity presented itself to jump start my metabolism and shake up my system which should help me over this hump. As a part of the cleanse I get to eat:

Breakfast: Oatmeal and egg whites (I quit the egg whites in the market)

Midmorning Snack: Grapefruit (disgusting) or apples (preferably grapefruit so I did a mixture)

Lunch: Salad with only vegetables and chicken or fish

Afternoon Snack: Pistachios (the other options were like cashews or almonds but I don’t eat those)

Dinner: Green vegetables and Chicken or Fish

…and AT LEAST 1 gallon of water…

You know what that leaves me…

a disgruntled, hungry, sleepy person who is on her way to being sexy… right?!

Day 3 - the pain

The saying it hurts so good in relation to working out is a BIG FAT LIE – not a little white one (although I don’t like that saying). It’s the lie of all lies. Today the trainer had us do a 1 mile run and then a circuit series consisting of thrushes, reverse bicep curls, pushups, pelvis curls, and some other nonsense. Yeah you are thinking oh that’s not so bad until you find out that after that mile that you ran at 5:35am when you had determined that sleeping in was more fun than not being the fat friend that you have to do the circuit 3 times and then run another mile. But I D-I-DID it! – and my body didn’t fail, well; not all at once.

You can see the progression of my failure…body failure that is:

Arms

I presently am sporting a few extra tresses as a reminder of my recent vacation. Generally I will not walk out my door looking like I didn’t attempt to get ready to meet the man of my dreams but today – well, with my luck I’ll meet him. Why? Because I have a half of a ponytail…yes just a half of one. I got home pumped that I’d accomplished my days task – and already talked myself into going back another time this week. I had my supplies on deck (blow dryer, curling iron, misc. product) to beautify my situation….and then my arms said no thank you after three brush strokes and a half dried head. What is a girl to do? I live in the city so no one lives close to me (I like short suburban girls to be my friends) and if I had a wig you can’t put it over weave. So I said a silent prayer to God that I not look a complete wreck as I go to my office job and one painful brush at a time, managed to trap my hair at the back of my head.

The arm bone is connected to the leg bone

Now I’m dressed, blessed with a ponytail, lunch packed and ready to go! Or so I thought. I am wearing jeans to the office today because I’ll be spending some meaningful time with kids (and my coworkers) when I leave the office… to work in the field. Because my hair is in half a ponytail I can’t just throw on my weekend jeans, timbs and hoodie (see: Philly born) so I jazz it up a bit. I’m Janaan (http://findingjanaan.blogspot.com)  casual – well a little more than Janaan casual… I have on jeans, a cute white tee, tan blazer and tan miz mooz heels – my new favorites until I can wear my new green suede heels.  I grab my bags, and lock the door. I’m ready for the day and *GASP* on time…. Then I hit the steps. I’m now convinced that the devil created steps. With every bend and step my legs sent a surging pain directly to the nerve that makes my eyes water.

The leg bone is connected to my brain

So now I’m without arms and legs but I’m at work and halfway cute with half a ponytail…. I’m excited about the progress I’ve made and frustrated that I’ve not made more. My friends would say but you fractured your right ankle, sprained your left one, have severe chronic asthma, you just did a 5k and you played softball… my side stomach and back fat tell other stories. But I’m motivated to make a change in my life… starting with the woman in the mirror…pumped, hype and then my eyes blink and don’t want to open back up. I went to bed before 10pm, I’ve been eating a balanced diet, and I’ve even added a vitamin to help with my nutrient overload deficiency. So why workout fairy is it 10am and I’m ready for my 3pm nap?!

When I think I should feel like one of BeBes kids with too much energy, I feel like the wicked witch of the west and someone just threw water on me… I’m melllltttinngggg. I hope I gain my form back because I have to walk/jog tomorrow.

The Precursor

I was the kid that everyone loved because I had the fat cheeks, legs and thighs, curly hair and perfect little baby nose. Fast forward 28.7years and I have still have fat cheeks, legs and thighs... my hair isn't so curly anymore but my nose is still that same baby nose -mhmmm you read that right.

Now don't be mistaken - my only problem with self-esteem is that I have WAY too much. On occasion, like most women, I think about how I don't look like anyone on the magazines or on TV but self-hate does not live here anymore! There was a point when I didn't like my height because I was always the tallest kid but I like where I'm vertically positioned now - my horizontal portion is another story.

For reference - I am 5'9 and weigh XXX lbs - hey, I'm still a girl and that shall not be told.

I was watching "Say Yes to the Dress - Big Bliss" which I watch often - no problem. It definitely keeps me on my toes as a single woman who does not want to be the "big girl" at my own wedding (whenever that might be). After the standard two episodes went off - I got kidnapped by what is apparently a new show called "Big Sexy". Now I was on edge with Say Yes… because some of the women are clearly at a health risk and celebrating it but this show completely freaked me out. It was shortly after watching these two series that I realized that I – as lovable as I am; am the fat friend and my world crumbled.

Now by no means am I sloppy, all my fat is solid but I’m not shopping at 5-7-9 either. It was brought to my attention that I can’t completely take the title because the majority of my friends are 5’2 and the height difference cancels out the fatness – it still isn’t cool!  Honestly – my point in starting this movement is to decrease my weight/size and increase my health. I’m almost 30 and the only “disease” I have is asthma that I was born with… I reached a point in my life that God has allowed me to keep my health and I should stop trying my luck.

So…. Off to losing my toddler!