It is not a fun game.
So recently, I've slimmed down such that everyone that hasn't seen me on a consistent basis in the last 6 months has noted how "slim" I've gotten. I'm just about immune to the topic at this point which for me is good because I no longer wonder about what my real friends weren't telling me when I was larger or think to say anything but "thank you" and "I still have a ways to go" when they congratulate me or tell me that I've inspired them. It isn't because I'm not thankful of the compliments but because in order for me to maintain the personal-ness of this lifestyle change for me I can't allow external affirmations to make my head big becuase that would potentially lead to complacency.
Recently, I made a visit at my old job. As CeCe escorted me around seeing faces that I haven't seen in a while - some I love, some I like, some give me nightmares still...CeCe experienced the compliment train coming into the station...but apparently it stayed too long at the platform for her. By the end of the day she had wandered into a protective state of "well how big did they think you were before" mixed with anger, frustration, shock, and awe. I had to say a small prayer because at that time I think she would have clawed the next person who said anything to me about my current progress.
I think Janaan has had a similar feeling of "you better leave my friend alone" but because of her profession and natural skill - she handled it in a much healthier, reasonable manner that lead to acceptace and understanding.
I'm pretty sure my mother (who I love) wants to attack me when she thinks I'm doing anything that could hamper the progress I've made towards becoming her beautiful, slim daughter....and we aren't even friends LOL just friendly.
All in all...I'm glad people notice the progress, partly because I am a self loving person that enjoys people admiring me but the next time you go to compliment someone remember this advice:
1. Be thoughtful of your words: Even kind words can hurt if they are directed in the wrong manner - even if unintended
2. Be sincere: Because shock, jealousy and disinterest shows through easier than you think
While the only issue I have with self esteem is having too much - not everyone can say the same its then, that it matters the most.
#losingatoddlertoteachpeopletobenicer
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
On: Commitment
My weight loss strategy isn't all that groundbreaking. I reached the point where I thought I was out of control and needed to do better and I did what I needed to do: eat right and exercise. Both of these things are common for me and have been my entire life. I don't eat out much, my favorite food is broccoli and I've played sports or danced since I can remember. Honestly, my whole mantra is do better because I can't formally commit to making a lifestyle change.
Honestly, I suck at commitment but not in the way you are thinking. I suck at commitment because I'm on two opposite ends of the spectrum. In thought and speech - you would never know that until recently I was afraid of commitment like the three pigs were afraid of the big bad wolf. I've since realized (with some healthy discussions with a friend) that it isn't the commitment I'm afraid of - its the potential for failure that made me extremely adverse. I also realized that said statement isn't true in just relationships but in every aspect of my life.
My name is Maya and I'm afraid of failure.
And if anyone (women especially) knows anything about dieting, they know that failure can strike at any moment when it comes to dieting. So I decided it was best if I didn't do that becuase I wouldn't commit to making me smaller. Instead I decided to focus on that idea that life is full of choices, everything is a choice...so when I'm considering my dietary needs I ask myself - is this the best choice I can make to help me reach my desire to be smaller?
This way - it takes the failure part away becuase instead of looking at everything as a pass or fail, I can look at it as a choice I made and reflect on it to see if in the future I wanted to change my justification for said choice to become standard.
I've done the same in my dating life. I have a choice to smile or spark the conversation with the cute guy to let him know I'm interested because if he doesn't reciprocate, I didn't fail...I chose to be friendly and that makes me a better person regardless.
Hopefully, this strategy keeps working!
Honestly, I suck at commitment but not in the way you are thinking. I suck at commitment because I'm on two opposite ends of the spectrum. In thought and speech - you would never know that until recently I was afraid of commitment like the three pigs were afraid of the big bad wolf. I've since realized (with some healthy discussions with a friend) that it isn't the commitment I'm afraid of - its the potential for failure that made me extremely adverse. I also realized that said statement isn't true in just relationships but in every aspect of my life.
My name is Maya and I'm afraid of failure.
And if anyone (women especially) knows anything about dieting, they know that failure can strike at any moment when it comes to dieting. So I decided it was best if I didn't do that becuase I wouldn't commit to making me smaller. Instead I decided to focus on that idea that life is full of choices, everything is a choice...so when I'm considering my dietary needs I ask myself - is this the best choice I can make to help me reach my desire to be smaller?
This way - it takes the failure part away becuase instead of looking at everything as a pass or fail, I can look at it as a choice I made and reflect on it to see if in the future I wanted to change my justification for said choice to become standard.
I've done the same in my dating life. I have a choice to smile or spark the conversation with the cute guy to let him know I'm interested because if he doesn't reciprocate, I didn't fail...I chose to be friendly and that makes me a better person regardless.
Hopefully, this strategy keeps working!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
The scale is not my God
No - I do not support idols or worshipping material things and you shouldn't either. I believe in a living God who is able to do exceedingly and abudantly above anything that I can ask. To be honest, God has done so much for me that I've become spoiled when I don't feel like He is doing things for me. I'm Gods brat - I have expectations that He will make this life better than any life I could imagine and He hasn't failed me yet.While I interact with both everyday there are some distinct differences between the two.
Before I get started on showing the differences I will say this... I've lost 5lbs in the last week and a half and its been a hard 5lbs. The scale isn't all bad - it has kept me motivated on the journey to a better, healthier me and for that I'm thankful butttttttttt..............
my God moves the right things right when we need Him to...the scale laughs or moves in the wrong direction.
my God is awesome...the scale sucks and it rarely says the right things.
my God always answers me, I can talk to Him, I can ask for guidance, for help, for peace and for comfort.... I've been asking the scale what else I need to do since forever and it hasn't said not a single word yet.
my God gives me direction...the scale gives me stress by moving in the wrong direction.
my God in his loving grace used his power to send his only Son to save my soul...the scale sends msgs to tell me that it used all its power and needs new batteries.
I'm not going to quit either one but I'm going to ask my God to help me and the scale... to date I have a total of 35lbs lost with 30lbs left to go. My goal was to lose 15 of them by the end of May....the scale is saying that I might need to change that to the middle of June. If I'm being honest than I am down 4 sizes in dresses, 2 sizes in pants with 2 more dress sizes to go and 3 more pant sizes to go.
Butttt........ if the scale doesn't start acting right, its going to be scrap pieces.
Before I get started on showing the differences I will say this... I've lost 5lbs in the last week and a half and its been a hard 5lbs. The scale isn't all bad - it has kept me motivated on the journey to a better, healthier me and for that I'm thankful butttttttttt..............
my God moves the right things right when we need Him to...the scale laughs or moves in the wrong direction.
my God is awesome...the scale sucks and it rarely says the right things.
my God always answers me, I can talk to Him, I can ask for guidance, for help, for peace and for comfort.... I've been asking the scale what else I need to do since forever and it hasn't said not a single word yet.
my God gives me direction...the scale gives me stress by moving in the wrong direction.
my God in his loving grace used his power to send his only Son to save my soul...the scale sends msgs to tell me that it used all its power and needs new batteries.
I'm not going to quit either one but I'm going to ask my God to help me and the scale... to date I have a total of 35lbs lost with 30lbs left to go. My goal was to lose 15 of them by the end of May....the scale is saying that I might need to change that to the middle of June. If I'm being honest than I am down 4 sizes in dresses, 2 sizes in pants with 2 more dress sizes to go and 3 more pant sizes to go.
Butttt........ if the scale doesn't start acting right, its going to be scrap pieces.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Carnivores Unite!
and put down the meat to let your digestive system have a break....
anybody...anybody?
Well I decided to do this to support my face as we work towards (preferably smaller) healthier bodies. The first time I did it, it got me over a plateau that I had been struggling to beat and showed me that my carb intake was way too high. I adjusted my overall diet which helped me at least maintain my weight with a lower level of exercise and lose weight when I acted like I had a goal to reach and stopped self sabbotaging.
This week, I've added a juice substitute for breakfast (instead of cereal), the plan so far is:
Monday: Broccoli, Pear, Apple
Tuesday: Orange, Strawberry, Grape
Wednesday: Carrot, Orange, SOMETHING
Thursday: Orange, Strawberry, Grape
Friday: Broccoli, Pear, Apple
What I've noticed is that I'm not as hungry. I eat more veggies and fruits and the scale is moving in the right direction - you know, the one that makes me smaller.
I have read a few articles that say that if done the right way, giving up meat can help your weight loss efforts so while I am not trying to convince you to go vegan...a break every now and again might help your overall heatlh! But only if you promise not to become one of the pompous jerks that say things like "vegetarians tend to weigh less and be more active" or "people who eat meat are generally fatter" - to that I say forget you and the box that you are trying to constantly place people in!
anybody...anybody?
Well I decided to do this to support my face as we work towards (preferably smaller) healthier bodies. The first time I did it, it got me over a plateau that I had been struggling to beat and showed me that my carb intake was way too high. I adjusted my overall diet which helped me at least maintain my weight with a lower level of exercise and lose weight when I acted like I had a goal to reach and stopped self sabbotaging.
This week, I've added a juice substitute for breakfast (instead of cereal), the plan so far is:
Monday: Broccoli, Pear, Apple
Tuesday: Orange, Strawberry, Grape
Wednesday: Carrot, Orange, SOMETHING
Thursday: Orange, Strawberry, Grape
Friday: Broccoli, Pear, Apple
What I've noticed is that I'm not as hungry. I eat more veggies and fruits and the scale is moving in the right direction - you know, the one that makes me smaller.
I have read a few articles that say that if done the right way, giving up meat can help your weight loss efforts so while I am not trying to convince you to go vegan...a break every now and again might help your overall heatlh! But only if you promise not to become one of the pompous jerks that say things like "vegetarians tend to weigh less and be more active" or "people who eat meat are generally fatter" - to that I say forget you and the box that you are trying to constantly place people in!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
I am my hair...
and India Arie sold lies by the dozen with that song...and to this day women everywhere are lying about not being our hair. But the fact is: I am my hair and my hair is me. Just a house is still a house even if no one is there.
Your hair takes part in defining who you are and what you do, just as much as your eyes, skin color, overall size do. But what truly defines you is the level of control you give your hair (and those other things). Luckily for me, 99.9% of the women in my family live by the mantra that it is just hair and it will grow back - and they don't want that much of it anyway. And that is how I now view hair.
With that said, I am so over the marketing campaigns and nonsense spewing about how being natural is healthier and will make me more active. That is BS...and y'all need to stop the madness. The only thing stopping you from doing whatever you want is you - not your hair.
I have a JFM Kiddie Texture softner (chemical)
I workout 1-2times per day at least 5 days/week
I swim, play softball, run and sweat in my head during all of it
I haven't had a standing appt with a hair dresser in at least 5yrs.
My hair is a little stubborn - so am I
My hair is resilient - so am I
My hair can be protected, rebuilt and trained... well, 2 out of 3 isn't bad
So while I am my hair, my hair does not define me, my physical health or dictate my participation in anything. My hair does allow me to outwardly express my definition of beauty, creativity and style. My hair is a symbol of who I am - heck, my parents don't recognize me with straight hair (its always big and curly).
Feel free to build whatever marketing campaign you wish but it would go alot further if you focused on selling your product instead of focusing on making me seem like less of a whole woman. Ladies, be your hair - be it natural, be it straight, be it curly or hand-made...but know that what you and your hair do and are together should be part of the larger picture of you and whatever your lifestyle is.
Your hair takes part in defining who you are and what you do, just as much as your eyes, skin color, overall size do. But what truly defines you is the level of control you give your hair (and those other things). Luckily for me, 99.9% of the women in my family live by the mantra that it is just hair and it will grow back - and they don't want that much of it anyway. And that is how I now view hair.
With that said, I am so over the marketing campaigns and nonsense spewing about how being natural is healthier and will make me more active. That is BS...and y'all need to stop the madness. The only thing stopping you from doing whatever you want is you - not your hair.
I have a JFM Kiddie Texture softner (chemical)
I workout 1-2times per day at least 5 days/week
I swim, play softball, run and sweat in my head during all of it
I haven't had a standing appt with a hair dresser in at least 5yrs.
My hair is a little stubborn - so am I
My hair is resilient - so am I
My hair can be protected, rebuilt and trained... well, 2 out of 3 isn't bad
So while I am my hair, my hair does not define me, my physical health or dictate my participation in anything. My hair does allow me to outwardly express my definition of beauty, creativity and style. My hair is a symbol of who I am - heck, my parents don't recognize me with straight hair (its always big and curly).
Feel free to build whatever marketing campaign you wish but it would go alot further if you focused on selling your product instead of focusing on making me seem like less of a whole woman. Ladies, be your hair - be it natural, be it straight, be it curly or hand-made...but know that what you and your hair do and are together should be part of the larger picture of you and whatever your lifestyle is.
Friday, May 10, 2013
My 2pack...
No, I did not get got or get cheap and try to buy two beers out of a 6pack - although that would be funny. I'm talking about my abs.
Truth: We all have a 6pack...
Mine has spent a good bit of my life wrapped in blankets of comfort. But that is changing! I now have a 2pack. It is sorta defined depending on the day. I am soooooo excited about it. I can't wait until it is forreal forreal a 2pack.
Forreal you say...
Well right now, my 2pack is only at the top to the middle. I am working on getting it to be defined the entire way down. The only way to do that is to reduce the fat layers on top of it and making the ab muscle stronger/bigger. Which means continuing to reduce my overall body fat and working out the muscle that stops me from laughing at funny jokes.
Or maybe I should keep laughing despite the pain because it burns calories...and maybe my asthma induced steroid usage along with my workouts and reduced caloric intake will help me get there sooner. I guess I'll have to keep working out to see!
Truth: We all have a 6pack...
Mine has spent a good bit of my life wrapped in blankets of comfort. But that is changing! I now have a 2pack. It is sorta defined depending on the day. I am soooooo excited about it. I can't wait until it is forreal forreal a 2pack.
Forreal you say...
Well right now, my 2pack is only at the top to the middle. I am working on getting it to be defined the entire way down. The only way to do that is to reduce the fat layers on top of it and making the ab muscle stronger/bigger. Which means continuing to reduce my overall body fat and working out the muscle that stops me from laughing at funny jokes.
Or maybe I should keep laughing despite the pain because it burns calories...and maybe my asthma induced steroid usage along with my workouts and reduced caloric intake will help me get there sooner. I guess I'll have to keep working out to see!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Big Girl Games...
I bet you didn't know they existed... just like no one knew about the reindeer games until Rudolph couldn't play. There are some games that only an exceptional few - ever more increasing, get to play. I will admit that some of these all women play but they are played more frequently than the general population
52 Fake Out: In which you put together your wardrobe selection in hopes to create an optical illusion of skinny.
Front View, Side View: Kinda like red light. green light but instead of being played with peers, its played with a mirror in which you hope that the front view and side view are on good speaking terms and make for a decent outfit.
Name That Food: This one is played mainly at restaurants so you can explain to the world that you eat healthy food options more than unhealthy ones. You can just blurt out the amount of salad and fruit you've been eating or how infrequently you eat the fattening stuff everyone is salvating over.
Sweat That: This one is involuntary for most...but you start sweating at the drop of excitement...any time the temperature goes about 68.5 degrees F. No I am not happy to see you...I'm HOT!
Oh yeah...there are songs too....
I Wish...You remember the song "I was a little bit taller, I was I was a baller..." but change it to I wish I was a little bit taller (who doesn't want to be taller), I was I was smaller, I wish I could hide this fat in a bat...
All jokes aside, sometimes I'm very sensitive about this area of my life...who am I kidding. I am always sensitive and even with the progress I've seen and the progress others see I still feel like I'm not doing enough and I'm not close to being there. It's just that most times my self-esteem is in high gear to make me say whatever...but on those days when its not - I cry.
52 Fake Out: In which you put together your wardrobe selection in hopes to create an optical illusion of skinny.
Front View, Side View: Kinda like red light. green light but instead of being played with peers, its played with a mirror in which you hope that the front view and side view are on good speaking terms and make for a decent outfit.
Name That Food: This one is played mainly at restaurants so you can explain to the world that you eat healthy food options more than unhealthy ones. You can just blurt out the amount of salad and fruit you've been eating or how infrequently you eat the fattening stuff everyone is salvating over.
Sweat That: This one is involuntary for most...but you start sweating at the drop of excitement...any time the temperature goes about 68.5 degrees F. No I am not happy to see you...I'm HOT!
Oh yeah...there are songs too....
I Wish...You remember the song "I was a little bit taller, I was I was a baller..." but change it to I wish I was a little bit taller (who doesn't want to be taller), I was I was smaller, I wish I could hide this fat in a bat...
All jokes aside, sometimes I'm very sensitive about this area of my life...who am I kidding. I am always sensitive and even with the progress I've seen and the progress others see I still feel like I'm not doing enough and I'm not close to being there. It's just that most times my self-esteem is in high gear to make me say whatever...but on those days when its not - I cry.
MAEL: Minimally Accepted Exertion Level
Apparently, I am not doing enough. No matter how hard I try, not matter how long I hide my inhaler, no matter how much progress I make...I am the fitness minimum. It does nothing for my confidence, something so special for my level of forreal-dom and almost makes me want to cry that people use me and what I can do as the minimum level of what should be being done in group fitness settings.
Yesterday; at total body fitness- jump squats section, a certain someone went to use the lower stair section of the bleechers..the exchange went something like this:
Person: *walking towards stairs*
Trainer: where are you going?
Person: (at stairs) *blank stare blink*
Trainer: if anyone should be using the stairs, it's Maya and she hasn't moved
I know I'm not small, I get it, I've accepted it. I sweat easily and plentifully - I know it, it happens even during activities that I enjoy and when I'm not that tired or exerted. It is spring and my lungs have decided to minimize capacity so yes I might take my inhaler during the workout...but for the life of me I don't know why I always have to be the minimally accepted exertion level.
I push myself as hard as the next person, if not harder. Somtimes I slack off but I don't understand why this label is following me around. I guess this should motivate me to work harder but really it just makes me want to sit in a room alone and cry.
Yesterday; at total body fitness- jump squats section, a certain someone went to use the lower stair section of the bleechers..the exchange went something like this:
Person: *walking towards stairs*
Trainer: where are you going?
Person: (at stairs) *blank stare blink*
Trainer: if anyone should be using the stairs, it's Maya and she hasn't moved
I know I'm not small, I get it, I've accepted it. I sweat easily and plentifully - I know it, it happens even during activities that I enjoy and when I'm not that tired or exerted. It is spring and my lungs have decided to minimize capacity so yes I might take my inhaler during the workout...but for the life of me I don't know why I always have to be the minimally accepted exertion level.
I push myself as hard as the next person, if not harder. Somtimes I slack off but I don't understand why this label is following me around. I guess this should motivate me to work harder but really it just makes me want to sit in a room alone and cry.
Monday, May 6, 2013
I'm ready for love...
Put me on repeat and turn the volume up because "I am ready for love" - sorta like the song from India Arie
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
and I don't want just any kind of love, I want...100% unconditional, fairytale story ending, put my love on top kind of love! While a little scary, I am totally ready to be help captive by love...and I want love everywhere: in my love life, in my personal (self image) life - everywhere.
Just yesterday I made another proclamation that I am ready to meet my husband tomorrow- yes that means today, we should be meeting today if my proclamation is going to stand the test of time. My homie KP asked me if I was really ready to turn over my freedom that fast and I can wholeheartedly say that I am - for the right man.
I know I already love me but I want to love me and all that I am. While me and my side stomachs have become homies, I really don't love her and I don't want to. I really want her to go away so I can love my mid-section. I also want less thigh to love...right now I feel like its too much thigh and not enough love. We two have grown accustomed to one another but I'm tired of them cursing at me like I just have to take it.
Tonight I start doing the Total Body workout twice a week. It is at church so while I'm trying to not die - I get to think about the wonderful joy and blessing that Jesus Christ died for my sins and try not to curse all those chips and nonsense I was eating and loving when I should have been eating salads.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Un-Documenated Fat
sort of like the INS does - I look at my body as a mass of area with defined borders. Anything that crosses those borders should be documented and approved. Unfortunately - I discovered that I have had a breach of security!
During my investigation, I've discovered a few GAPING holes in my security practices.
1. While we only have 1 point of entry for this documented fat - it has been breached continuously but after careful analysis it was determined that these breaches happened during specific command post. Officers Sleepy, Cranky and Moody will approve almost all requests despite established protocol. They have been placed on probation where they will go through extensive training and re-programming to minimize future breaches.
2. Apparently, our drills (workouts) that are meant to elimiate these breaching parties are not always effective. While they minimize new breaches, they are not continuously forcing those already established out of their hiding. We will be re-visiting our drills and monitoring for effectiveness and efficiency. With the proper steps - we should be able to ramp up our efforts.
The good news is that while we still have undocumented fat - we do have muscle forces that are working hard to outshine them resulting in an improving figure. At this time we do not think it is necessary to call in additional forces/backup but we will continue to monitor this situation closely.
During my investigation, I've discovered a few GAPING holes in my security practices.
1. While we only have 1 point of entry for this documented fat - it has been breached continuously but after careful analysis it was determined that these breaches happened during specific command post. Officers Sleepy, Cranky and Moody will approve almost all requests despite established protocol. They have been placed on probation where they will go through extensive training and re-programming to minimize future breaches.
2. Apparently, our drills (workouts) that are meant to elimiate these breaching parties are not always effective. While they minimize new breaches, they are not continuously forcing those already established out of their hiding. We will be re-visiting our drills and monitoring for effectiveness and efficiency. With the proper steps - we should be able to ramp up our efforts.
The good news is that while we still have undocumented fat - we do have muscle forces that are working hard to outshine them resulting in an improving figure. At this time we do not think it is necessary to call in additional forces/backup but we will continue to monitor this situation closely.
Please...no pictures!
yeah...cause the paparrazi are following me around like crazy. LOL HA!
I was talking to my homie Lay about our goals - he is working to finish losing his toddler as I re-start my efforts to losing my second. I'm proud of his dedication and his progress but there is part of me that is screaming "SO WHAT!" because at the end of the day, he is a man and will probably lose the rest of his toddler in one jog and good poop while I workout 10 times a week and eat nothing but fruits and veggies.
While we were talking though - he brought up that he was keeping a photo journal of his progress. That made me think and soon realize that the last thing I want is photo proof of this extra body I'm walking around with. I've never been one to take pictures but I especially don't want memories of side stomachs and flabby arms.
I track my progress in clothes. I have inspiration clothes that help me to see how far I've come and how much more I have to go. Some of my inspirations have become normal wardrobe...and some I've had to donate because they are now too big.
So no... I'll pass on the pictures for now. I might change my mind once I get my two pack beach ready and get my thunder thighs (thanks dad!) down to a light drizzle.
I was talking to my homie Lay about our goals - he is working to finish losing his toddler as I re-start my efforts to losing my second. I'm proud of his dedication and his progress but there is part of me that is screaming "SO WHAT!" because at the end of the day, he is a man and will probably lose the rest of his toddler in one jog and good poop while I workout 10 times a week and eat nothing but fruits and veggies.
While we were talking though - he brought up that he was keeping a photo journal of his progress. That made me think and soon realize that the last thing I want is photo proof of this extra body I'm walking around with. I've never been one to take pictures but I especially don't want memories of side stomachs and flabby arms.
I track my progress in clothes. I have inspiration clothes that help me to see how far I've come and how much more I have to go. Some of my inspirations have become normal wardrobe...and some I've had to donate because they are now too big.
So no... I'll pass on the pictures for now. I might change my mind once I get my two pack beach ready and get my thunder thighs (thanks dad!) down to a light drizzle.
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