I always feel like somebody is watching me, judging me, teasing me, taunting me. Not in a I'm being stalked 24hrs a day or my chuckie doll won't stop showing up kinda way though. And this is totally unrelated to my ability to garner positive attention when I go out. I really only feel that way when I'm working out and when I'm eating. I know it is irrational but I can't stop feeling that way.
At the gym, the little voice inside me tells me that everyone thinks the fat girl is gonna tap out after 30 seconds. Or that the skinny people are taunting me when they choose the same machine I'm on. Or that no one would ever believe that this wasn't a new years resolution that I'm barely holding onto but my normal workout routine when I'm not traveling.
When I'm eating homemade leftovers and people say it smells good - I hear...ohh figures she can cook given her size. Or comments about how I clearly don't eat salads often on the days I have salad. I get offended when the people at the drive thru ask me if I want to up size or add dessert.
It makes me want to yell at people... or wear shirts and buttons that say things related to how much I workout and that my bp is extremely good...but I know it is irrational so I bottle it up for future treadmill motivation.
I feel the same way about my heavy breathing,...but you do realize the people in the drive thru can't see you...right?
ReplyDelete